The best of the best have sleepless nights
They just can’t evade his grip so tight
Every day as he passes by
Many a men than say god bye
He took your love, he took your friend
He’ll soon come back to put you to an end
The believers I see might pray someday
To ask almighty to keep him away
But that won’t happen it won’t be done
Immortality has come to none
But don’t fear him and stress your brow
He can’t take away the moment right now
The time before he comes belongs to you
So live your life, do the best you can do!
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello Young, it's me Vernon, now ya know I'm harsh, but ya'll be happy to know, I really liked this, I like how it's vague and never explains what it is. But ya made a error IMO, you should have kept Death sexless, kept it as an it, as death, shouldn't be personified, because since most of the time death is shown as a skeleton dude, and only if ya study bones ya can tell if they're male or female by bones... Point is, should have kept it without a gender, I kinda went on there.
Another small complaint is the explanation mark at the end, it's too showy, a full stop would work better here, or even ellipces, yeh ellipces. But nothing about this really bothered too much, except those small things, I'm giving this a star.
Good luck
VSN
Thanks for the reviews people.I'll try to improve this if I can.
Hey, Young! (Thanks for the review on "Red Cup Wishes"!) I'm Jon!
Let me start off by saying that I would like to see more punctuation. Now, I realize that not all poetry has to have it, but as a style choice, I usually do. (Which totally doesn't mean you have to!) However, using commas in selected places throughout a poem can help with the flow a lot. Keep it in mind.
This is a fantastic first line! Wonderful. (The second line...not so much!
Now, I like this line, but it's worded oddly. I know that it's Inversion, but it doesn't seem to work right here. Instead of saying his grip is tight, use a adjective to describe how tight it is. Maybe it's trancing, controlling, or powerful. (I know you used 'tight', but we have the whole english language at our fingertips!) Use everything in your arsenal of words to make it great. Now moving on to the inversion.
"Good bye...not God bye?"
This line is too lengthy with the syllables. Try to cut it down some. Try, "He'll soon come back for your end." you have a poem here that is supposed to flow quickley, and then you have spots in here that interupt that. For such a shorter poem, you need to make it flow nice.
Use a comma where I've bolded it. It makes no sense as is.
I love the flow in this line. It feels so natural. Good Job!
Get rid of 'right'. It adds too many syllables and stops the flow.
Overal: I htought it could have been better. I would have like to see more imagery, you told us a lot. (You have to show us sometimes.) Anyway, keep trying and try to fix this up!
---Jon---
hello there
crits are in bold
Nice piece. I really liked it! The only thing wrong with this poem is your use of punctuation and capitalization. You should use it normally, as if you were writing prose. But other than that, it was awesome!
-ash